Monday, December 16, 2013

Lotion Man

At the mall, there's this guy
working a little lotion kiosk.
From afar, he looks harmless, but when I walked near him,
he bared his teeth at me.
"This is for you, lady," he snarled.
Then, he flipped his lotion tube
and splattered me with his . . . product.
It was like taking a lilac-scented money shot.

I was marching my violated ass over to mall security,
when I was
(overwhelmed by the thought of how much junk I still had to buy in honor of Baby Jesus)
suddenly filled with the holiday spirit.
I found
(a tissue)
that happy, holly jolly place inside of myself and remembered to be grateful
(that the freak didn't work in food service)
for all of my many blessings.
I took a deep breath
(ahhhh, lilac),
and I just . . . let it . . . go.
After all, it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Merry Christmas, Lotion Man.  Merry Christmas.

A true story for Open Link Monday at Real Toads


Anonymous said...

"(L)ilac-scented money shot."

Oh, dear...

Kerry O'Connor said...



Marian said...

ooohhhh man, those guys are merciless! the sea-salt skin-products guys especially. watch out!
love this, MZ. perfectly captured!

Pealogic said...

I so enjoyed what I read as a double meaning. I spent three hours doing the Christmas shopping today. No junk allowed this year, I just can't be bothered. My own personal violation hate are the perfume ladies. Happy Christmas.

hedgewitch said...

And I thought *I* had weird dreams--which I'm hoping this was, because if it really happened, all I can say is, bring your dogs along next time, and maybe some mace.This cracked me up, especially the food service line.

Sylvia K said...

More truth here than any of us want to admit!! It's a weird world out there, MZ!! Thanks for the snort and the giggle!

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Exactly - it's a violation, pure and simple. Perfect response, Miss Christian Lady. Loved this very much - Mosk the Follower

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Exactly - it's a violation, pure and simple. Perfect response, Miss Christian Lady. Loved this very much - Mosk the Follower

The Sentinel said...

Yikes. That was kind of you! He sounds like a maniac.

Laura said...

That is the craziest story ever… wow!

Sioux's Page said...

VERY funny, Mama Zen.

Vandana Sharma said...

happy holidays!!

Susan said...

I love this! Though I cannot remember the last time I was in a mall, I do know those moments of imposed product placement and of surprise attacks of Christmas present spirit.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Could have been mayo.

Anonymous said...

Men and guilty consumerism, is there a match more, uh, tellingly unfragrant? And behind them that fat pederast Santa, brimming with the ho ho ho jism of a lost child's Christmas dream. Maybe that lotion guy is Santa Junior. Thanks for the reminder that in front of ever mall there needs to hang a sign like the one in front of Dante's Hell -- abandon all hope, ye who enter here! - b

Fireblossom said...

Babs has staff to throw stuff on people. She's blessed!

Brian Miller said...

i cant stand those kiosk people....i know they are doing a job but....yeah go honor jesus with your plastic...ha

Lorraine said...

LOL beautiful i would have slapped him, way to go Mama Zen

Jinksy said...

Only OK if you happen to be fond of lilac, I suppose :)

Anonymous said...

So impressed you could find your holiday spirit. I'm boycotting all malls and shopping as little as possible (only for necessities) until after the season.

Kay L. Davies said...

My husband sets up in trade shows, and has also had a display table in the mall. He deliberately gave up a long teaching career to sell Registered Education Savings Plans. I don't know what was going on in his head (before I knew him).
There have been times when I've visited him at the mall and did a bit of "minding the store" when he had to go somewhere in an urgent hurry, and I just hated it.
I just read Margaret's poem about Nelson Mandela's long years in prison, and I wonder how many people in those lotion booths feel imprisoned, too. I'd starve before I could "be in sales" as my husband and my happy salesman brother put it.
Coming out of the anger and into a good mood was a hundred times better for you than it was for Mall Man, who doesn't know what he missed: Mama Zen on a mission!

Steve King said...

I always knew those kiosk folks were dangerous...but this kicks it to a different level. Smart, funny. Happy Holidays.
Steve K.