Monday, September 9, 2013

The Clock

Since I hit you guys up for editorial help with this last week, I thought you might want to see the finished piece.  My apologies to those I've already tortured endlessly with it. You know who you are.

***

I swallow the last of the birdsong slow
and shatter the cup for the noise.
I hitch up the dead horse to drag in the sun;
I shoo stars away with my voice.

But, still the light falls fixed
and the turn holds taut.

The clock
I once set by you
has stopped.

For Open Link Monday at (extremely patient) Real Toads

17 comments:

grapeling said...

good to see you whipped this one into shape. :)

Kerry O'Connor said...

This seems to be the definitive version of your original poem.. I admire your editing process, and the care you have taken with your poem to get it to say exactly what you require.

Susan said...

Edges polished, each facet cut to its most revealing. Very wonderful.

Helen said...

Power of positive editing ... not the easiest exercise! :-)

Gail said...

Still great!

Sherry Blue Sky said...

This is a FANTASTIC poem and I can see how it has grown from its beginning and admire you for putting the work into it. This one KICKS ASS!!!!!!

Kay L. Davies said...

Ah, there it is. Now it's perfect.
K

cosmos cami said...

Excellent!
Happy to be visiting again.

Laura said...

strong and beautiful!

chamomile sea said...

Fantastic, startling ending. I also really like the first two lines. Great rhyme in taut/clock/stopped to tie together the closing lines.

hedgewitch said...

This one has an almost hypnotic, perfect cadence, MZ--very very well-done on the editing, and on keeping the original thrust, yet enhancing it at the same time.

Debi Swim said...

I had to go back and revisit the others. This one is most definitely
finished, polished, succinct - you did it and I know how hard it can be to cut away... oh, but it was worth it!

Fireblossom said...

I love it that you kept at it until it was right. That's discipline, baby.

Lorraine said...

Wow you have wonderful friends ;)

Mary said...

Excellent! Especially powerful conclusion here, MZ.

Margaret said...

"I once set by you"... such a little change, but what a difference. This rocks.

Charlotte said...

Strong and dark. I like.