Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Venus

I didn't have time
to look at the moon that morning.
But I heard that she had never shone so bright.
A crescent call, come hither to her Venus
just before the dying of her light.

Now the sun declines
to pick apart this darkness
that layers like laments
on a lover's tongue.
Tired
and still as a tideless ocean,
endless as the song
I wish I'd sung

pretending to be Venus.

A disaster of a poem for a special Wednesday edition of Fireblossom Friday at Real Toads.

Note: The disaster I'm trying to depict here is the dying of the moon and sun.  I had this up for a bit yesterday, but I was really unhappy with it, so I took it down.  I reworked the first stanza; hopefully the whole thing is a little better.  Anyway, it's either this or a death of a pretty flower haiku.

17 comments:

Brian Miller said...

wow really nice...esp the second stanza for me...the layering of images leading up the very emotional wish of your own that you were singing...the denial of her and venus, some nice symbolism in that.

hedgewitch said...

Lovely alliteration and imagery in this one, MZ. Nothing's more layered than laments on a lover's tongue.

Mary said...

Enjoyed this, MZ.

Teresa said...

I am always a fan of alliteration! Beautiful imagery. I agree the second stanza is just amazing. "Tideless ocean" really hits home.

Far Beyond The Ridge said...

endless as the song
I wish I'd sung

I really like that!

kaykuala said...

Sounds great MZ! Yearnings of a dear one may be sadly true!

Hank

Gail said...

I read no disaster here. I liked it.

Sylvia K said...

A great one as always, MZ! You never fail to amaze me! Have a lovely evening!

joann chua said...

What a emotional post!
I enjoy it.

Kay L. Davies said...

"still as a tideless ocean" — wow. Only you, MZ, only you... fabulous!
K

Fireblossom said...

Okay, quit messing with my tired head! I knew, before i read the footnote, that you had changed the fourth and fifth lines.

A flame burns brightest right before it goes out, so they say. Me, I think I would miss the moon the most.

Poet Laundry said...

I really enjoyed the structure of this. The event may be a disaster, but your writing is beautiful.

Emma Major said...

the death of the Sun would certainly be a massive disaster, but you make it sound romantic

Kerry O'Connor said...

I think you have taken a novel idea and written something extraordinary. It would certainly be calamitous if the sun and moon ceased to be.

Other Mary said...

The poem is not a disaster at all. It's quite lovely.

my heart's love songs said...

i'm just gonna go curl up in a ball in the corner and suck my thumb.... if i could write even one-tenth as well as you, MZ, i would be in heaven! this is stunning, and the second stanza is perfection!

Margaret said...

Ingeniously creative and beautiful ... not a disaster at all. (Ah, you artist's... :)