Wednesday, May 16, 2012

meyouuswe

meyouuswe
me you  us we
me   you  us we
me     you  us we
me      you  us we
    you 

Today's challenge at Real Toads was to take a line from a poem (or poet) that you don't particularly care for and write in the same style or theme.  Or, something like that.  Anyway, I don't get purely abstract concrete poems, so I decided to try one.  Here's a link to a bit of the real thing.  Hope this comes close to fitting the prompt.

23 comments:

Brian Miller said...

how come the you always stays big and everything else diminishes...smiles...

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Oh my - the linked examples made my eyes cross........reminds me of my first critic who told me "I hope you wont be the kind of poet who glories in being obscure" - rather daunting at sixteen....but YOUR poem, I totally get. You could start your own cult in this genre:)

Buddah Moskowitz said...

This is a great deconstruction of most broken relationships. Perfect.

hedgewitch said...

Frankly whatever you linked had a strongly piscine odor to me, like the fragrance of rotting mackerel in the moonlight, or maybe honky bullshit. I like yours better.

Fireblossom said...

I really like what you did! You took a form you don't like and owned it.

Daydreamertoo said...

LOL Nice one !! YOU!

Teresa said...

What a great way to tackle this form.

Sylvia K said...

You do have a way with words and find wonderful ways to play with them and still come up with intriguing thoughts. You are GOOD!

Shawna said...

It looks like you "get it" to me.

In this coupling, you begin with me, you, and we/us all having equal weight and being as close as possible. Over time, one person becomes less, as does the union. The dominant personality does not change, but the other one all but disappears until he/she barely even exists anymore. Therefore, neither can the relationship. In the end, the now-invisible entity must exit the relationship to survive at all. I hope there are follow-up poems in which he/she takes shape once again.

Well done, MZ. I love this kind of poetry.

Hannah said...

This is great, Mama Zen!! So funny that the poem I wrote hold the same exact meaning within it! Great one!

PattiKen said...

I think I once had a marriage like that...

Isadora Gruye said...

yeah...EE Cummings always creeped me out a bit. I was all like....stop using font and spacing to be deep. I read this one as a sarcastic homage, very tongue in cheek. Well done, lady!

happygirl said...

Interesting. I'm glad that You stay BIG.

Marian said...

hah!

Kerry O'Connor said...

I like the way concrete poetry looks on the page, but I sometimes fail to get the point.

I like the way you whittled down your phrase until the most important word was left.

Fred Rutherford said...

That's pretty neat, I should have just read down a few lines, I was sitting here trying to figure out what meyouuswe meant hahaha. I like abstract/concrete/projective verse whatever the term of the hour is, it's much different and lets the mind take many things into account. Nice job MZ. Thanks

haikulovesongs said...

i beg to differ! this is a "REAL" concrete poem! {and much better than the example linked to.}

i love this on every level!

Lolamouse said...

I understood your poem much better than the bogus examples! Well done, MZ!

Margaret said...

I love yours and I can't believe the linked poet has so many published books. I didn't like his at all. Yours was beautifully truthful, sarcastic and clever.

Shawna said...

I was just reading the examples you linked to, and I think they're brilliant. I love "Silence" (which is only heard in the center of the poem while you whisper-read the word "silence" throughout the rest---there is only silence is you stop talking, and even stop reading). And also, I found the message of "Life Ate Life" to be quite profound (page 3). The coca cola piece was wonderful as well. Thank you for sharing. I love all the poetry everyone else is hating today. :)

shawnacy said...

excellent!
you took that obscure genre by the tail and made it laugh at itself.
bingo.

full marks. and to the concrete poets who do it well... bravo. to the ones who only fake it... well, MZ has a poem for you...

manicddaily said...

Quite lovely - especially as Brian said, given the place of the You. Un-YOU-sual. k.

Mystic_Mom said...

Form - cool!
Words - wow!
Poetry - amazing!
Love how you did this. Just so very cool.