You ginger step
like an old woman.
Every movement
begs for stillness.
Every inhalation
drags and scrapes
like a gravedigger's shovel.
The acorn long buried in the bronchi
is blooming its breathless death,
and every cough and wheeze brings the crops closer to harvest.
I've watched you string along your mortality
like a child's pull-toy since I was a girl of eight.
I've greeted the hooded stranger at the door and
felt the tingle of his till-we-meet-again kiss on my cheek.
I've felt his dry touch against my pig-tailed hair.
After so many floods of grief and terror,
I've gotten pretty good at treading water.
So good,
that I almost forget
I'm still drowning.
Shawna's Monday Melting Pot words
for Open Link Night at dVerse
37 comments:
What a fabulous poem. You've articulated for me something I've never been able to confront in my work. I watched my father run out of air from emphysema. I know that indelible pain of bearing witness to this. The poem itself is so very strong, your touch sure, each image fits and is compelling. xxxj
dang...the acorn in the bronchi stanza is hard mz...and then the end is another squeeze...evocative write
This struck home. My dad has been saying bye bye for more than 20 years. How many farewells? Now he just grumbles, "Shit, I'm still here." Same difference, don't you think? Fine work - Brendan
Evocative...excellent write!
Just amazing what you did with the words, MZ. Such insight, so much drowning we all have to do in this life. Third stanza makes the whole poem revolve around the narrator and her intimacy with things a child shouldn't have to know.
No one ever says it better and I guess there are lots of us that have/are dealing with this somewhere along the road.
Can a thing be matter-of-fact and chilling and true all at the same time? Seems so, because you've done that here.
But...no haiku??? :-P
Fine, fine work! The poem is like an azibiki saw, it has teeth on both sides cutting precision pieces out of my heart.
Powerful, moving, and energetic--and I could pile on a few more positive adjectives. Those last five lines are outstanding figures. Very nice job.
Wow...this is so good! It's not often a poem like this comes along that just has it... Wow!
This is excellent writing. I know any kind of critique is bad form for dVerse, but. I would only suggest tweaks to two words: Make crops singular: crop and delete the "that" in the second to last line. Very vivid, powerful, wonderful poem. All the metaphors are right on.
I've read this several times now and am captivated by your story. These lines are clever delights:
"You ginger step
like an old woman"
"drags and scrapes
like a gravedigger's shovel"
"The acorn long buried in the bronchi is blooming its breathless death"
"string along your mortality
like a child's pull-toy"
"treading water" / "still drowning"
Sharp ending, in the neverending realm of pre-death.
I'm thrilled that you took up the prompt this week.
~Shawna
rosemarymint.wordpress.com
Powerful words - the metaphors are so vivid
Great write and about a difficult subject--very evocative!
Really gets to the point and hammers it home. Very vivid imagery.
Wonderful piece on a very hard subject.
Compelling write...very good weaving of the words...and that last verse nails it ~
Wonderful it is to read such suggestive words that hint at hidden realities, calling up shapes and meanings that hint at meanings that words might no be able to say. Great poem.
Kind of a fake it to make it, yet still stuck there when one opens their eyes from the disguise, nicely written.
Wow, this one really grabs you then sucks you down under.
Great writing :-)
This is my ex-father-in-law. Dying since the day I met him. Then there is my never sick, healthy and robust Dad who got hit upside the pancreas with a tidal wave. Gone in a year.
dense and heavy
mass effect ;)
great description... though sad
Chills!!!
If only the memories could have left too...wipe the slate clean. My troubled and feeble mind found great nuances with this write. Forced to envision the old dude from Poltergeist though...he scares the crap out of me no matter how old I get!
sad but powerful!
Heavier piece but fantastically done. Love the images conveyed, so, so powerfully written and described. Great job MZ. Thanks
Fantastic! ' till we meet again kiss'. Reaaly enjoyed the whole thing, that just stood out.
Start to finish a great read, I truly enjoyed the ending. Getting so good at treading water that you forget you are drowning. Great write.
You pulled the emotion right out of watching aging and slow grieving of watching someone by living die before our eyes....bkm
Evocative, compelling, the whole piece works well. You've captured and shared something hard and real and made it beautiful.
"Every movement
begs for stillness.
Every inhalation
drags and scrapes"
I could almost see and feel the breathlessness. It is so realistically described. Beautiful poem, MZ!
Hank
The forgetting is the thing... that's where hope still lives.
Great poem - powerful. Love the language, and the last stanza takes my breath away.
Wow, this one hit quite close to me. I could feel the difficulty in the catching of breath. It made me gasp, a little.
I enjoyed getting to grips with this longer piece from you. You know where to find the pulse of human suffering, and a bystander's terrified recognition of her own mortality.
This is absolutely fantastic. All of it, culminating in the most powerful ending........just loved this. Related to the treading water and forgetting one is still drowning. Done that too.
Here are this week's words; hope you'll join in again:
http://rosemarymint.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/monday-melting-week-9/
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